loving and attractionAttraction
Why are we attracted to certain people and not others? Why do our friends tend to be very similar to each other? And what causes us to decide on a mate? Many of these questions relate to social psychology in that society's influence and our own beliefs and traits play an important role. Research has found five reasons why we choose our friends.:
1. Proximity - The vast majority of our friends live close to where we live, or at least where we lived during the time period the friendship developed (Nahemow & Lawton, 1975). Obviously friendships develop after getting to know someone, and this closeness provides the easiest way to accomplish this goal. Having assigned seats in a class or group setting would result in more friends who's last name started with the same letter as yours (Segal, 1974).
Proximity plays a large role in who is attracted whom. It has the ability to effect the strength of a plutonic relationship as well as a romantic relationship. Even though technology is increasing the ability to come into contact with more people, it is still hard to establish a bond to someone you never see. Individuals tend to have a larger feedback on the non-verbal communication with the other person to reaffirm the attraction. Friends or significant others get to know each others behaviors, strong as well as week points, and similarities. "The people who become friends (or more) were those who had the greatest opportunity to interact" (DeVito, 1998).
2. Association - We tend to associate our opinions about other people with our current state. In other words, if you meet someone during a class you really enjoy, they may get more 'likeability points' then if you met them during that class you can't stand.
3. Similarity - On the other hand, imagine that person above agrees with you this particular class is the worse they have taken. The agreement or similarity between the two of you would likely result in more attractiveness (Neimeyer & Mitchell, 1988). The belief that "opposites attract" is not always proven to be so. It has been shown that people are drawn to individuals who have similar views and beliefs. "Perceived similarity is the degree to which we believe another's characteristics are similar to ours- is often sufficient to attract us to others" (Infate, 1997). Similarity attracts us to our friends as well as romantic attractions. Similarities such as or beliefs, interests, attitudes, and personality can help us to be strongly attracted to others who match. People love to have other individuals to participate in activities they like. It helps to have similarities to discuss and participate in to keep the bonds strong between people. "Romantic attractions have what is called matching principles. People tend to become involved with a partner when they usually closely matched in terms of physical attributes of social status" (Bordens, 456).
4. Reciprocal Liking - Simply put, we tend to like those better who also like us back. This may be a result of the feeling we get about ourselves knowing that we are likable. When we feel good when we are around somebody, we tend to report a higher level of attraction toward that person (Forgas, 1992; Zajonc & McIntosh, 1992)
5. Physical Attractiveness - Physical attraction plays a role in who we choose as friends, although not as much so as in who we choose as a mate. Nonetheless, we tend to choose people who we believe to be attractive and who are close to how we see our own physical attractiveness.
This last statement brings up an important factor in how we determine our friends and partner. Ever wonder why very attractive people tend to 'hang around' other very attractive people? Or why wealthy men seem to end up with physically attractive, perhaps even much younger, women? There is some truth to these stereotypical scenarios because we tend to assign "social assets" or "attraction points" to everyone we meet.
These points are divided into categories such as physical attractiveness, sense of humor, education, and wealth. If we view education as very important, we may assign more points to this category making it more likely that our friends or our mate will have more education. If we view wealth as more important then we will be more likely to find a mate who has more money.
We rate ourselves on these same categories and, at least at some level, know our score. We tend to then pick friends and partners who have a similar score that we do. Hence an attractive person hangs with other attractive people; or a wealthy older man gets the beautiful younger woman. Think about your friends and how you would rate them in these categories to find out what is important to you.
Human are known to have a tendency to appreciate aesthetic beauty. As humans, we are known to be drawn to individuals that are close to us in looks. There are two classes of attractiveness: either you are drawn to the physically attractive or the individuals personality. When one person is physically attracted to another, then there is an increase desire to have interactions. People who are physically attractive are known to have a higher confidence level due to the fact people tend to treat them better. People with higher confidence levels increase their attraction helping to draw other individuals attention. Many studies have stated that men are more overwhelmed by the physical attractiveness of women, while women are know to comment more on the males personality. However, this difference causes men and women to view themselves differently. Women focus on their physical appearance to draw men, while men try to boost their egos about their importance. Not stating that the physical appearance of men is not important, but women usual are drawn to the mans personal qualities.
People start out friendships due to a strong attraction to the person at some point in time. It is human nature to argue the issue that you can have a friend that is just a friend and not a potential "other." However, studies have proven that the reason we are drawn to our friends is because of a physical attraction originally. Steve Suck reports, "All the same, attraction to strangers is the starting point for all relationships that do eventually start" (71).
Attraction and Love
When asked "What makes your life meaningful ?"
Majority of People answer ‘close relationships with family, friends and romantic partners’ (Berscheid, 1985)
Proximity is an important factor in determining who your friends are.
Geographical distance used to be a reliable predictor of who would marry who.
However, since we are now a highly mobile society, ‘functional distance’ is a more important factor.
Proximity enables people to discover common interests and exchange rewards.
Reward Theory of Attraction: We like those whose behavior is rewarding to us, or associate with pleasant events.
Anticipation alone can increase liking:
Darley & Berscheid (1967) : Gave women description of two women, one of whom they were told they would meet. The women rated the person they expected to be as being more likeable.
Mere Exposure: being exposed to someone or something increases your liking for that person. (Zajonc, 1968, 1970)
We even prefer pictures of ourselves which show how we see ourselves:
Mita, Dermer, and Knight: Took a picture of a person and then made a mirror image of the picture. People preferred the mirror image picture more often than the original picture.
However, overexposure can also have the opposite effect.
Physical Attractiveness:
Is a moderately good predictor of how often a female dates.
For males, the relationship is not as strong.
Men value opposite-sex physical attractiveness more than women (Feingold, 1990, 91)
90% of cosmetic surgery patients are women.
Elaine Hatfield (1966) Randomly matched 376 couples who were first year students after collecting personality and aptitude tests. At an arranged dance, she then had the students evaluate their dates after two and a half hours at the dance. Examining a long list of psychological traits, the only significant factor which seemed to predict liking was physical attractiveness. This was true for both men and women.
Attractiveness helps create a positive first impression.
This first impression can be important in both meeting a potential dating partner or in a job interview.
Studies which have subjects rate the attractiveness of people in yearbooks find that the more attractive people have higher status jobs, make more money, and are more likely to describe themselves as being happy. (Umberson & Hughes, 1987).
Who is attractive ?
When people rate pictures for attractiveness, there is general agreement across people on the ratings.
Attractive People are really only average:
Langois & Roggman (1990): Used computer "morphing" techniques to show that the more faces which were averaged across to make a composite face, the more attractive the resulting face created.
Liking and love can also influence attractiveness ratings.
The more in love a women is with a man, the more attractive she rates him as being. (Price et al, 1974)
Additionally, the more in love people are, the less attractive they find other people of the opposite sex to be. (Johnson & Rusbult, 1989)
Birds of a feather flock Together
The greater the similarity between husband and wife, the happier they report being and the less likely they are to divorce. (Byrne, 1971).
Similarity leads to liking:
Griffit & Vietch: Collected personality assessments of 13 unacquainted men and then confined them in a fallout shelter. By comparing interests and opinions, they were able to predict with better than chance accuracy whom each men would like and dislike by the end of the experiment. The men liked those most like themselves best.
No research has reliably shown that opposites attract. Buss (1985)
Liking begets Liking:
People who perceive us as liking them will be more likely to reciprocate those feelings. (Berscheid & Walster, 1978)
Rebound Effect:
Attacks on a person’s self-esteem (from someone else) can lead them to like a person more as a result. (Walster 1965)
Women who received critical personality assessments rated an attractive male confederate as being more likeable than those who received a positive evaluation.
Love and Social Psychology
Davis (1985), Maxwell (1985), & Sternberg & Grajek (1984)
studied different types of relationships (same-sex friendships, parent-child and spousal relationships), searching for common elements.
3 common factors emerged:
Mutual understanding, giving and receiving support, valuing time spent with a loved one.
How do psychologist define love?
Lee (1988) Hendrick & Hendrick (1993) proposed three primary love styles: passion, game playing, and friendship which become combined in loving relationship
Sternberg (1988) concept of love is based on Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion. How these three factors combine determine what type of love appears: Romantic, Companionate, Passionate (Fatuous). The "ideal" lovetype is Consummate Love, which combines all three factors.
Passionate Love: A state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate lovers are absorbed in one another, feel ecstatic at attaining their partners love, and are distressed on losing it.
Explaining Passionate Love
The two-factor theory of emotion: When aroused, you label the source of your arousal, and this labeling leads to the perception of a certain emotion (fear, love, anger, happiness)
If a male or female is aroused in the presence of another person of the opposite sex, they attribute their arousal to that person, and they interpret their arousal as passion.
Experiments done in the lab and in real-world settings have demonstrated this principle:
Dutton & Aron (1974,1989) : Male subjects came into the lab, supposedly to participate in a learning experiment and were introduced to a female confederate. Half of the males were told that the experiment involved "quite painful electric shocks". When they subsequently filled out a brief questionnaire which asked them how much they would like to date and kiss the female confederate, those aroused by the impending threat of electric shock expressed greater attraction toward the female.
Dutton & Aron (1974) : Wanted to conduct a more "realistic" test of the two factor theory. This time, they had a female confederate approach men on a pedestrian bridge and asked them for help with a survey. After the men helped with the survey, the confederate gave the men her phone number and asked them to call her if they had any questions about the survey. When the bridge was a swaying, 450 ft. Suspension bridge, men were much more likely to call than men approached on a sturdy concrete bridge.
As a control condition, they had a male interviewer approach men on the suspension bridge, and in that instance few men called back.
In both these experiments, Physical Arousal accentuated romantic responses.
Other Factors which influence love:
Time and Culture:
The idea of marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon
(historically speaking)
In response to the question "If someone had all the qualities you desired, would you marry this person if you were not in love?"
In 1967, 31% of men and 72% of women said ‘yes’
In 1984, only 11% of men and 13% of women said ‘yes’
In non-Western cultures, love often follows marriage.
Self-Disclosure
Deep, Companionate relationships allow us to feel accepted for who we are.
An important part in the growth of a relationship is the self-disclosure process.
Exposing ones innermost thoughts and weaknesses helps to nurture love. Jourard (1964)
The nature of the disclosures steadily progresses in a increasing fashion, due to disclosure reciprocity.
Disclosures should gradually increase in depth as a relationship progresses.
Carl Rogers (1980) identified three factors which made a person effective at eliciting disclosure:
people who seem to genuine in revealing their own feelings
people who are accepting of other people’s feelings
people who are empathetic and sensitive listeners
Dating and married couples who disclose most to one another express most satisfaction with their relationship. (Berg & McQuinn, 1986)
Equity: It is important for each partner in a relationship to feel that they bring something of value to the relationship. People who feel they are in a one sided relationship feel more distress within the relationship than partners who feel they play an equal role.
Ending and Sustaining Close Relationships
Often, when people perceive a relationship to be unequal, they will end the relationship. Cost Benefit
The closer and longer the relationship has lasted, the more painful the breakup (Simpson, 1987).
Often, the pain takes time to surface. The initial relief at ending a difficult relationship often gives way to feelings of sorrow months, or sometimes years later. (Baumeister & Wotman, 1992)
Sociologists and demographers report that divorce is least likely when:
The couple was married after the age of twenty
Date a long time before marriage
are well educated
enjoy a stable income
Live in a small town or a farm
Do not cohabitate or get pregnant before marriage
Are actively religious
Coping tactics include
Loyalty: passively but optimistically waiting for things to improve.
Neglect: (Men are especially vulnerable to this tactic) increased withdrawal so as to hasten a breakup.
Voicing concerns and attempting to work on problems together.
John Gottman, a psychologist and a marriage counselor, has identified four keys toward maintaining a healthy relationship:
Harsh Startup. Involves a spouse who, when discussing a marital problem, launches into personal accusations and sarcasm against their partner, rather than the problem itself.
The Four Horsemen. Negative behaviors that, if practiced continually, can be so lethal to a relationship that Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
1) Criticism – An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the individual.
2) Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust.
3) Defensiveness – Rarely causes the attacking spouse to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a no-win scenario.
4) Stonewalling – An emotionally overwhelmed partner (usually the husband) tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his spouse.
Flooding. One partner is so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that the focus becomes guarding against the flood of emotional stress the onslaught causes.
Body Language. A racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release and mounting blood pressure all accompany flooding. Clear thinking and problem-solving are negated, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in. A marriage with frequent flooding usually ends in divorce.Learn to calm down: by maintaining your calm, you will be able to better resist the urge to insult and criticize your partner during an argument.
Learn to Speak and Listen Nondefensively: Try not to assume that your partner is putting you down as soon as a discussion begins. Try to separate the issue under discussion with the emotions the issue brings to the surface.
Validate your partner: Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding their viewpoint. Praise and admiration can also help reinforce a sense of love and support.
The fourth factor is to practice the above three behaviors until such time that they become automatic and constant in your everyday life.
Assessing different styles of Love
Sample items from Hendrick & Hendrick’s love scale, used to measure the six styles of love identified by Lee (1977,1981).
Three Primary Styles:
Eros -- passionate love
My lover and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.
Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.
My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty
Ludus -- game-playing love
I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her
I have sometimes had to keep two of my lovers from finding out about each other.
I enjoy playing the "game of love" with a number of different partners.
Storge -- friendship love
It is hard to say when my lover and I fell in love.
Love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
My most satisfying relationships have developed from friendships.
Primary love styles can be combined to form:
Secondary Love Styles
Pragma --- pragmatic love
I consider what a person is going to become in life before I commit myself to her/him
I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover
A main consideration in choosing a lover is how he/she reflects on my family.
Mania -- possessive love
Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can’t sleep.
When I am love, I have trouble concentrating on anything else.
If my lover ignores me, I sometimes do stupid things to get her/his attention back.
Agape -- Altruistic love
I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
I cannot be happy unless I place my lover’s happiness before my own.
I would endure anything for the sake of my lover.
Bordens, Kenneth S. (1995) Social Psychology. California: Mountain View.
Byrne, D., Griffitt, W. and Stefaniak, D. (1967) Attraction and Similarity of Personality Characteristic. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 5 (1), 82-90.
DeVito, Joseph A. (1998)Interpersonal Communication. New York: New York
Duck, Steve. (1998) Human Relations: Third Edition. California: Thousand Oaks
Infante, Dominic A., Rancer, Andrew S., and Womack, Deama F. (1997) Building Communication Theory. Illinois: Prospect Hieghts.
Secondary Sources:
Cialdini, R.B. (1995). The Psychology of Persuasion. New York: Quill William Morrow.
Cunningham, M. R. (1990). What so women want? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 61-72.
Diener, A., Wolsic, B., & Fujita, F. (1995). Physical attractiveness and subject well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69, 120-129.
Epsychlopedia (2000). www.epsychlopedia.net/concepts/socialPsychology/fAttractionP1.html
Hendricks, C., Olson, D., Hall, S. and Batt, J. (1998) Gender Differences in Physical Attraction. Living in a Social World. www.nuohio.edu~psybersite/attraction/gender.htx
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