Sample Online Tutoring SessionHere is a sample online tutoring session, adapted from an original marked up text provided by Smarthinking.com.
Hi John--
I really enjoyed reading this! You got me interested in the beginning with the description of the Insane Clown Posse concert. It made me care about the subject, and it showed me that you have some experience and your ideas will be worthwhile.
After the description, though, you have a paragraph that has some great strong opinions, but cries out for a real thesis statement. Are you arguing that instead of blaming the music industry, parents should pay attention to the warning labels and prohibit their kids from listening to the music? If you improve that paragraph and make your thesis clearer, the reader will really be convinced. For more help on thesis statements, click on one of the links listed on http://slc.berkeley.edu/slc/nns/l2writing/process/thesis.htm .
There are other great examples throughout the essay, and these would be even more effective if you add a sentence in each paragraph with an example explaining how it supports your thesis. This page http://slc.berkeley.edu/slc/nns/l2writing/process/partsofpaper.htm has some good advice on paragraphs.
About grammar:
1. I noticed that you made several mistakes with subject-verb agreement. This is one of the most important errors for you to learn how to correct, because it can really interfere with your reader's understanding. Heres an example of a sentence you wrote that has this kind of error (it also has a comma error, but more on that later):
The main thing that makes them so controversial, are their lyrics.
I have written S-V AGR next to a few other sentences that have problems.
Look at http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/sv_agr.htm
for an explanation and advice on how to find and fix these subject-verb agreement errors, then edit your paper carefully. (I could fix these for you, but then you'd keep making the same mistakes again and again! It's better for you to learn to do it yourself.)
There are some mistakes with commas. See http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_commaproof.html for advice on how to proofread your papers to check for commas.
There are also some fragments. For advice on how to find and correct fragments, see http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm .
Another thing you need to pay attention to is tone. It's great to be personal, but the informal style can sometimes detract from your authority as a writer. This page has some good advice about tone: http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/tone.htm
So...you are off to a great start, but the essay could use one more round of editing. If there is time, send it back after you have worked on it and I'll take another look.
See below for my comments on specific parts of your essay.
Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
It was November 23, 1999. A group of friends and I were making our way into a club called "The Abyss." It was located in downtown Virginia Beach. We had tickets to see one of the most controversial music groups of the 1990’s-the Insane Clown Posse. [Later you call this group ICP. If you want to use an acronym, put it in parentheses after the group’s name the first time you use it (ICP) and then simply use the acronym afterwards.]
The Insane Clown Posse is two guys who rap and sing about people’s souls and the lives that some choose. The main thing that makes them so controversial, are their lyrics. [Comma separates the subject and the verb and is not necessary. Also, S-V AGR error.]The Insane Clown Posse talk about murder, death, and profane ways of sex. They come out on stage dressed like street thugs, cut off shorts, big shirts, and tattoos; the most odd thing that they do is wear clown makeup. This also has an affect on how kids dress.
As my group of friends and I approached the club, we found it rather odd that children, along with their parents, were making their way into the club. I thought that maybe they were just going to hang out a little while until ICP came out on stage because their lyrics are not suitable for young children. When ICP finally took the stage, they started jamming the whole place. During one of their songs, F--- the World, I happened to glance over and see the same kids singing the lyrics to the song.
A lot of parents in society today let their kids listen or watch whatever they want; I have heard so many complaints about the Insane Clown Posse from parents. Well guess who gave the clerks permission to sell those tapes to the kid. [Sarcasm here takes away from your position as mature commentator on a serious subject. Try something more straightforward, like: Yet, parents are the ones who gave . . . ] On all of their tapes, there are parental advisories, which say that there are explicit lyrics contained in the product. May not be suitable for children. [Try combining the previous two phrases; "may not be suitable for children" is a fragment, not a complete sentence because it lacks a subject. Or try using a colon, then quotes around the warning.] Damn right it is not suitable. [again, watch your tone.] But then parents figure that there is no harm in what they are listening to. Kids below the age of about 15 are going to be taking those lyrics seriously. Then they go out and start cussing at their schoolteachers. The kids start defying authority and disrespecting their elders. They talk about death and go against everything their parents say. Then the parents blame the music for it. [This paragraph has some strong opinions, but the actual thesis is not quite clear. Could you state your argument in one good sentence? See my note above for more help on thesis.]
ICP is not the only group that uses explicit lyrics. Basically any and every musical group that sing today have bad lyrics. Limp Bizkit, Korn, and Bush all have music that relate to death and cursing. Even teen hit sensations Brittany Spears, Christina Agulerra, Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, and 98 degrees sing about sex and lust in their albums. [Good examples here; I don’t know who these groups are, but I can understand your point.] But I never hear a parent complain about them. [Do you know parents who are familiar with these groups? A little field research by way of an informal survey at your work might prove very interesting here. Also need to tie this idea to thesis]
I work at Ames in the electronics department and we do sell music that is uncut. When I have young children coming to me wanting to buy Limp Bizkit or Korn, I make them get their parents. I explain to the parents about the explicit lyrics that are contained in the CDs, and I haven’t heard a parent say no yet. One of my biggest fears is a maniacal parent coming to me because their kid changes for the worse and they blame me for selling them the music. [This is a strong point--I like the way you offer proofs for your statements. I wonder if these same parents might be the ones who would make a fuss if their teens clearly were affected by the music. Again, tie it to your thesis]
Now don’t get me wrong, music is not the only bad influence today. [Need transition up here to tie to thesis,otherwise it looks like you are getting off the point about warning labels.] Almost every t.v. [spell out "television"] show has cursing and sexual situations contained in them. When Beavis and Butthead were on the air, parents always complained about them. All these shows and movies that contain violence and cursing that parents screen their kids from, still see the news as an educational show. Yet there is still the same amount of violence on it as in the movies. There is one show that has been catching a lot of heat since it started and it is called South Park.
[Is this a new paragraph? It seems to belong with the previous one.] South Park features four young boys who walk around and cuss and make crude comments. It airs at 10:00 on Wednesday nights. Right before the show airs, it has a parental warning about the language and says it is not suitable for younger audiences. Yet parents sit there and watch it with their kids like it is some Saturday morning cartoon. Then the kid calls their brother a faggot, or a son of a bitch and the kid is blamed. Some parents don’t let their kids watch those kinds of shows but the kids still end up seeing them. I am sure that the parents know that most satellite companies have channel lock programs. Channel lock programs allow the parent to block the signal for any channel they don’t want their kid to see. Then they can access the channel later with a simple password that they would only know. For those parents who don’t have a satellite, but they have cable, they will just have to learn to watch their children more closely.
I am not trying to say that all parents do this and I am not trying to say that they are bad parents[good way to limit your argument!]. I know that kids are going to end up listening to what they want to in the long run. But it is a parents responsibility to at least hold their kids off until they fully understand that the lyrics and shows that are out there today, are not messages of evil. [hey, this looks like your thesis!!]They are just freedom of speech, (not to be taken seriously). [but this part is confusing. Are you being sarcastic?]
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